It began with a simple readout from a body fat measuring scale. It was week seven of my self-imposed weight loss regimen and as I stood on the scale, feeling healthier than I had in years, my body fat remained exactly the same as it had before my thirty-pound weight loss. The paper slip the scale spit out claimed that I’d lost muscle mass, not body fat that week, three pounds of it.
I shook with frustration. How could this be true? I’d stepped up my weight loss efforts in the weeks prior adding strength training to my cardio. Running 2.5 miles in the morning, doing bursts of weight training throughout the day, and enjoying a 2 mile walk after supper, I’d never been more health-conscious in my adult life. Paired with a diet that excluded carbs and totaled one-third of my normal daily calories, my pants were loosening, my energy was up and yet, the paper slip said I’d lost 3.0 pounds of muscle mass that week. Not fat. The woman that weighed me shook her head and said, “Oh, those numbers change dramatically. I’ve seen them flip flop in a week. Take heart.” Oh, did I mention that at the beginning of this program my metabolic age was sixty? And on this week’s read out – having shed thirty pounds and reducing my blood pressure to teenage levels it still said I was a metabolic sixty years of age. Driving home, I sulked, but then somewhere past the halfway point, my depression calcified into anger.
Home again, I pushed work to the side and dove into the interwebs. I googled, “body fat scales” and read review after review. My favorite was one woman’s assessment, ‘Body fat scales are misogynistic ***holes. They don’t recognize that women can actually have muscles.’ My pulse raced with love for this woman who outed the fat scale industry. Hells yeah, they’re misogynists! Feeling satisfied as though I’d eaten half a box of Girl Scout Thin Mint cookies, I closed my computer to work in earnest.
As I sketched, my mind replayed the review. Could objects be misogynistic? I rubbed my shoulder where my bra cut into my arm meat and grumbled. Well, bras definitely hate women. There’s a reason women burned them in the 1960s. No, it wasn’t a political statement, they were done wearing torture devices. Bras are expensive, too, robbing women of their hard-earned (don’t get me started on wage inequality) money. They cut into armpits and shoulders. Oprah lied when she said a properly-sized bra is the best investment a woman can make. Bah. I say, let them hang low and wobble to and fro. Did you realize that bras originally began in ancient Greece? Women bound their breasts tight to their ribs to appear more like men. Sounds like the origins of a truly woman-detesting object, doesn’t it?
Airplane seats freaking hate women also. All a woman has to do is sit in one and compare where the curvatures hit, then visually compare it to a neighboring man to see what I’m complaining about. The curve before the headrest hits women at the worst possible place, the back of our heads! If we actually try to rest our heads, they bob around in the chair void which results in an instant headache. If we try to keep our heads from falling into the seat void for the entirety of a flight, we’ll be thanked with shoulder and neck fatigue. Suckage, any way you measure it.
Hair salon sinks. They really really don’t like women. Similar to airplane seats, it stems from the difference in height between men and women. My stylist makes me sit on a booster seat when he washes my hair. It’s demeaning. I feel like Lily Tomlin in the Incredible Shrinking Woman as my legs dangle off the ground and my stylist urges me to, “sit up as tall as you can.” Even with the booster, my head barely reaches the sink bowl. Salon sinks should be designed for the gender that spends the most time there, women! We visit the salon 10:1 over men (yes, I made up this statistic) and deserve furniture that makes us feel comfortable.
Ear buds. I tried to research if anyone had conducted some sort of scientific study of men’s ear hole size versus women’s, but surprisingly found none. But, I know that 99% of ear buds hurt. It’s like twisting a gumball into my ear cavity and then afterward, my ears ache. If this bothers you, I found a company that’s designing ear buds just for women. They rock. Their product is called Yurbuds and I’ve included the Amazon link here.
Finally, no list of misogynist objects would be complete without the television remote. It’s not just the size of the thing that matters, though television remotes are grossly oversized for my diminutive hands, it’s the mosaic of buttons across the face that somehow leave me feeling like remotes hate women. There are the color-coded buttons, unreadable fonts, menus, sub-menus, batteries that fail. I suspect that remote designers have morphed futuristic technology into the plastics, look for a story about it in the Huffington Post soon. The plastic remote exterior senses the Y chromosome and is programmed to pause or exit instead of select for all women. In frustration, female users will toss the remote to a man so he can rescue us. Knights in shining armor? No. It’s a conspiracy baby.
As I go about my week, I’m sure I’ll come across more woman-hating objects and add them. In the meantime, tell me what I’ve missed in the comments section.
As always, I marvel at the cleverness and savvy of my readers. We’re adding high heels, top shelf at the grocery store, tight jar lids and car visors to the list. Keep it coming brilliant readers.
High heels - I can’t make this stuff up. Research always makes the most interesting content. Look at that! High heels were meant for men AND women. The trend led us to the expression, ‘well-heeled.’ Dang.
Top shelf at the grocery store – We can’t freaking reach it. And if you’re as short as me, you can’t see it either. Why don’t we urge grocers to shelve condoms, Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issues and shave cream here? I feel a grass-roots campaign coming to life. Here’s a Smithsonian Magazine article on the growing trend to market groceries to men!
Car visors – Author, Ina Zajac, pointed out that the visors in our cars are all but worthless to women who tend to be shorter than male drivers. Car manufacturers take note. Add an extension for female drivers please. I have to point out that in spite of this design flaw, we’re still superior behind the wheel. (wink!)
Jar lids – Torqued on too tightly so women will have to ask men for assistance? Is it the ultimate silly conspiracy or did we just out a huge tactic to erode the confidence of women everywhere? Hmm. Well, click here and find seven ways to loosen a jar lid that don’t require man hands.
Mammography machines – Author, Mary J. Rowen had a harrowing experience. Read her comment and you’ll see why these machines need to be redesigned with all women in mind.